Monday, January 18, 2010

Dr. Mel & Dr. El (Not Doctors)

Dr. Mel & Dr. El (Not Doctors)
Here to give you questionable advice about friendship, fashion and whatever the eff else.

Dear Dr. Mel & Dr. El,

So the last time I saw your show a light went off for me.  I'm pretty sure that my roommate's boyfriend is totally gay.  He works in finance and they've been dating since we graduated college last year and I'm convinced she's just arm candy so he can mingle with his buddies and bosses undetected.  I've tried to talk to her about it, covertly, but it's hard to tell her that her gaydar, which didn't work so well in the first place, might be busted.  I'm also worried that maybe he's just really polite and metrosexual?  It's difficult to figure out if a guy's gay, without the tell-tale poor grooming and ill-fitting clothes.  Do I rock the boat, or just leave it be and hope I'm wrong (or they break up)?


Dr. Mel: Dear Gaydar-Intact, you've come to the right place! With our vast experience dating men who were borderline gay, we're uniquely qualified to answer this question scientifically.

Dr. El: Indeed. I personally discovered that my college boyfriend was gay when I found blush and foundation in his shaving bag.

Dr. Mel: Touche.

Dr. El: Here is my solution to your problem: Invite over a really hot gay guy, get everyone drunk and see who ends up in bed with who! Or is it “whom”?

Dr. Mel: Ignore my colleague. She is a non-doctor with questionable grammar. MY medical advice is this: do nothing. It would be one thing if you had evidence of her boyfriend’s cheating on her with a man. Then you might have a responsibility as her friend to inform her of the betrayal. But if it’s just a suspicion about his tendencies it’s not your place to point it out to her. If she begins to openly question his sexuality in casual conversation, then you can listen to her side of the story and possibly add an observation or two of your own. But until that time, I’m afraid you’ll have to keep mum.

Dr. El: You COULD, however, mention a “friend” who is dating “a guy” that you think might be “gay” and see how she responds.

Dr. Mel: That’s the oldest trick in the book. No one would fall for that.

Dr. El: YOU fall for it all the time.

Dr. Mel: Go back to studying the bones in the skeletal system.

Dr. El: Heh heh… you said BONE.

Dr. Mel: You’re a disgrace to the medical community.

Dr. El: Good thing I’m not a real doctor, then.

Dr. Mel: Good thing.


Dear Dr. Mel & Dr. El,

My friend is always late and it makes me livid.  I feel like it's a disrespect to my time and she always apologizes but it stresses me out.  It's too bad because I love hanging out with her once we are together. Am I being too anal about this?

Dr. Mel: Dear Punctual, there is no such thing as TOO anal. 

Dr. El: Oooooh, yes there is!

Dr. Mel: That's not what I...oh, gross, El....

Dr. El: What? Mel and I are both chronically early and we can always count on meeting each other 15 minutes before our actual scheduled rendezvous time.

Dr. Mel: It’s true. Which is why we understand your pain! It is especially awful for an early person to wait around for a late person, because the waiting time is actually doubled.

Dr. El: But we digress.  There are a few things you could try. The first is to just confront your friend honestly and candidly. It may feel uncomfortable for a moment, but it’s always better to tell a true friend how you feel than to let your resentment build and cause a wedge between you.

Dr. Mel: Wow! That was very eloquent. Go on…

Dr. El: You could ALSO try to fake her out. Give her a meeting time that is actually 15 minutes prior to when you ACTUALLY want to meet. Then she’ll think she’s late but she will really be on time.

Dr. Mel: It’s shady, but I like it.

Dr. El: My final piece of advice is make sure you always have a book or magazine with you, because even if she has the best of intentions, a late person usually remains a late person. So if ideas 1 and 2 don’t work and you decide to just love and accept your friend for the tardy slut she is, at least you’ll have reading material to help you pass the time.

Dr. Mel: Why does she have to be a slut?

Dr. El: She’s obviously running late because she’s getting laid.

Dr. Mel: Sometimes I’m so with you and then you lose me, just like that

Dr. El: It’s hard to keep up with genius like mine.

Do you need answers to pressing questions about love and life? 
Yeah, you do.
Email Dr. Mel & Dr. El at

And let us know what you think of our advice, if you like, by Commenting below.
We totally care what you think.

Mel earned her Doctorate from the Barnes & Noble School of Self-Help Books while El secured her degree from the University of Says Everything She Thinks. They are experts in all things except knowing how to drive a car which they both insist they are going to start working on tomorrow morning.

1 comment:

MPMcNeil said...

In the first q&a - perhaps what you have there is a GASM (said as gaaaa-zm). This is a Gay Acting Straight Man - also known as a man who is secure in his persona and takes care of himself. Not a true Metro - that's for other uses.