Monday, March 7, 2011

How We (Never) Learned To Drive

(Miss Daisy is frustrated because Hoke doesn't know how to drive. Just like Mel & El.)

We know it sounds entirely nutballs, but neither of us knows how to drive. To be clear, we're not saying that we don't like to drive or we prefer to have other people drive. We are saying we don't possess the skill of The Driving. We know we're very elderly and that this deficit makes us weirdly immature, but it is true. And there's no way to fix it.

Okay, there's a way to fix it. We could learn to drive. But do you know what that would involve? Stress, panic and the death of thousands of New Yorkers innocently using the sidewalks of the city, that's what. We're basically doing the Universe a favor by not driving.

But it's also weird that we can't take over the use of a car if the driver starts to have a heart attack. Or that we can't rent a car and drive outside of the city if we want a day away. It's very limiting. It requires that we become much more famous than we actually are and have some kind of Bentley that comes with some kind of driver. Also, it's annoying to talk about. If we had a dollar for every time we've had to explain why we don't drive, we'd have hundreds and hundreds of those dollars. After many extensive and deeply insightful explanations over the years, we're gonna sum it up with one simple statement from now on:

We're scared of driving. Cause it's scary. So we never learned.

I (Mel) am determined to learn this year mostly because my little baby nephew is about to get his license and will spend the rest of his life making fun of me if he's driving before I am. It turns out avoiding humiliation is an outstanding motivation. But the days are ticking away and I haven't picked up the phone to The Driving School yet so who knows what's gonna happen. If I do manage to learn I will obviously become El's chauffeur for the rest of our lives and that's a freaky prospect, too. It will forever be the two of us in a car playing out scenes from Driving Miss Daisy:

Miss Daisy (El): Hoke?
Hoke (Mel): Yes'm.
Miss Daisy: You're my best friend. 
Hoke: No, go on Miss Daisy. 
Miss Daisy: No, really, you are...
[Takes Hoke's hand
Miss Daisy: You are. 
Hoke: Yes'm. 

At least it'll be easy for me to remember my lines. Yes'm. 

Is it too late for us? Are we officially stunted human beings? Will I get a drivers license before a boy who was born in the mid-1990's?

Does anybody know a patient and loving driving instructor who deals well with spastically neurotic funny ladies?

We'll keep you posted.

Hoke (& Miss Daisy, too)

1 comment:

TMC said...

Drive!! DRIVE!